The Abduction and Killing Of Children
Tips on Dealing with Your Emotions as a Parent
By Anne Rambo, Ph.D., Associate Professor
Department of Family Therapy, Graduate School of Humanities and Social Sciences
Nova Southeastern University

Does any of this sound familiar?

• "I'm moving to Australia, or maybe there's an island someplace."
• "I'm going to take my daughter down to the morgue and just show her why she should be careful."
• "I'm never letting my children play outside again."

Over the past two weeks, as the headlines in every newspaper have told of children missing, abducted, and in some cases murdered, I have heard all of the above comments from parents, and more. The feelings expressed are very understandable. We all want to keep our children safe, and we are all frightened and angry when children are so clearly not safe. It helps to take time to acknowledge and handle our own strong feelings, so that we may help our children and our communities in a planned, sensible way.

The following are suggestions for parents for coping with our own painful feelings as we read of these horrible crimes.

1. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PERSONAL LOSS. The death of a child is always a loss to the world. The violent death of a child kills some of our own sense of safety as a parent as well. Maybe you thought that your children would always be safe because you live in a small town, or because you live in an apartment complex with neighbors around all the time, or because you are a responsible parent. Sadly, events have shown us that there is no absolute protection in any of these factors. We live in a dangerous world, and our renewed awareness of this means you may decide not to let your child do all of the same things you did as a child. When I was a child, I roamed widely after school, without my parents knowing exactly where I was or what I was doing; however, this is not a freedom I can allow my own children. Most of us have altered traditions such as door-to-door trick or treating on Halloween, in the interests of greater safety. Acknowledge to yourself that this is a loss, and let yourself mourn for it. Then you will be better equipped to explain the new rules to your child without ambiguity or confusion.

2. DO WHAT YOU CAN TO KEEP YOUR CHILD SAFE. The basic precautions are well known, and space does not permit us to review them all there. Go to www.metlife.com, click on family, and then click on "keeping your child safe" for an excellent review of ground rules. The bottom line to keep in mind is that as much as possible, you should know where your children are, who they are with, and more or less what they are doing all the time. Cautions against strangers are not enough; most children who are molested knew the perpetrator, and in any case children do not understand that someone working near their home, or someone who claims to have lost a puppy, or someone they have seen talking to their parent, is still a "stranger." Talk to your children about being suspicious of anyone who tells them not to tell their parents something, or any adult who asks a child for assistance rather than another adult.

3. DO WHAT YOU CAN TO MAKE YOUR COMMUNITY A SAFER PLACE. Get to know your neighbors. Notice any unsupervised children at play, and make sure someone is keeping an eye on them. Be aware of who lives in your neighborhood, and where children can play safely. If there are no appropriately supervised after school and summertime activities for children in your area, consider getting together with other parents and getting them started. Plan together with other parents to establish neighborhood ways of celebrating holidays, helping children who may be lost or on their way home from school by themselves, and sending out "neighborhood alerts" when there is a problem. Together, we are much more able to protect our children than any of us can be individually. Your sense of grief and loss over recent events can provide the motivation for you to connect with other concerned parents.

4. CELEBRATE EACH MOMENT WITH YOUR CHILD. So often, as parents, we spend our time anticipating our child's future. We spend summers getting our children ready for the next school year, and the school year getting our children ready for college, or for the future we dream for them. We fill the time after school with lessons, which will help our child acquire a skill for "later on." It is appropriate and right for parents to plan for the future, but, sadly, no child is guaranteed an adult life. Whether through the comparatively rare catastrophe of violent death, or the much more common accident or serious illness, all of us know we may have to let our children go before we are ready. Take some time every day to just enjoy your child for who he is right now, and to cherish the time you do have together.

5. IF NEEDED, SEEK PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. Finally, if your feelings become overwhelming to you, if you find yourself having intrusive memories of past traumatic events in your own life, or if you find yourself unable to let your child participate even in supervised activities through your school or place of worship, talk things over with a professional counselor. The Brief Therapy Institute at Nova Southeastern University specializes in brief, supportive work with children and their families, and has a sliding scale fee. For more information, call 954-262-3030 or visit the website: www.nova.edu/shss.