Bully Busters:
8 Ways to Prevent Our Kids from Becoming the Bully, Victim or Bystander
By Meline Kevorkian, Ed.D.
Associate Dean of Master's and Educational Specialist Programs
Fischler School of Education and Human Services
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will always hurt me”, sings Tatiana, age 16, to her little sister. Today, the version of this popular childhood saying has been modified from what most of us have heard and used.
According to the United States Justice Department, one in four children is bullied everyday.
Too often, children tease and taunt each other beyond the normal “pains” of growing up. It is now realized to be a big problem that may lead to big trouble. Parents often feel helpless and don’t know where to begin to help their child feel good and cope. Even worse, sometimes parents are unaware their child is being verbally attacked until it ends in undesired behaviors such as poor grades, and/or inappropriate behavior. Today, as school violence escalates stemming from bullying, schools, parents, and the media realize the devastating effects and that preventative methods must be enforced.
Preparing children for their future means helping them grow socially and form healthy relationships with those around them. Time spent in school impacts a great deal of your child’s waking hours and determines a great deal of their personality, confidence, and effort. However, many children do face bullies and teasing on a regular basis and are unprepared to stop or minimize it. The good news is there are eight simple ways to prevent our kids from becoming the bully, victim or bystander.
Bully Buster # 1: Understand bullying
Teasing, taunting, exclusion, and hitting, often termed bullying, are often a part of a student’s day and they find it difficult to escape. Bullying is a pattern of behavior where one child uses physical or mental tactics to belittle another, usually chosen for their vulnerability. The abuse is abrasive and if left unchecked will wear down a child’s self-image. Generally, bullying tends to continually increase through elementary school, peak in the middle school years and taper off in the high school years. Bullying occurs when it lowers another’s self-esteem and is one-sided.
Bully Buster # 2: Know why kids are bullied
Children may be victimized due to their physical appearance, such as, weight or build. Other children who are quiet, passive, or just stand out to their peers for some reason, even a positive one may be taunted as well. Sometimes children are bullied because the bullies themselves experience a poor self-image and only feel good about themselves when putting down others. Parents should watch for signs that indicate their child may be bullied and provide the support and guidance needed to break the destructive pattern.
Bully Buster # 3: Know the signs
Children exposed to this ridicule often suffer from absences, poor grades, violent behavior, and low self-esteem. Children who are experiencing bullying may have certain prominent signs such as, trouble sleeping, wanting to stay home from school excessively, and having few friends. Other signs may be bruising, torn clothes, and nervousness. In other cases, a child might be withdrawn and quiet, avoiding most social interaction.
Bully Buster # 4: Foster self-respect
We must teach our children that nobody has the right to hurt another person. Consideration and good manners go hand in hand. Being rude to someone causes hurt feelings and is unkind. Children learn manners from watching adults interact with others. Parents, who are polite, raise polite children. When you interact with others, be sure to say please and thank you and use all the behaviors that you would like to have your children use. Schools should have clear rules and policies to effectively address bullies, victims and bystanders.
Bully Buster # 5: Talk about it
Parents must make regular school discussions about friends and social issues. Remember, students are usually reluctant to tell anyone. Follow your instinct and suspicions if you think your child being bullied in school. Be honest and talk openly with your child about your concerns. If you find out your child may be suffering at the hands of others at school, don’t over-react. You must be an active part of the approach to empower your child to deal with bullies, reduce victimization, and rebuild positive feelings.
Bully Buster # 6: Model Appropriate Behavior
Foster behaviors that reduce the risk of raising or promoting a bully, victim or bystander. Kindness, acceptance, and appreciation for others must be taught and modeled in the early years. Children learn how to express emotions primarily through social interaction in their families and at school. Set an example of handling conflict and anger. When you are upset do not resort to yelling, degrading others, and displaying inappropriate behavior. Small children look to adults for how to behave. Talk about emotions and encourage children to accept angry feelings and to deal with them in positive ways. Allow children to acknowledge all feelings, pleasant and unpleasant. The feelings are normal but teach them how to react and interact respectfully.
Bully Buster # 7: Foster Kindness
Provide some opportunities for you and your child to do some community service. This gives them some a chance to experience attention for kind and compassionate behavior. Unfortunately, the world often shares negative behaviors more than the positive. Allow your child to the opportunity to witness others being kind.
Bully Buster # 8: Address the issue
Research has suggested that many students are and will continue to be bullied, especially if no one intervenes. The theory that bullying is viewed as harmless and a normal part of growing up is wrong. It is not a part of normal child conflict and should never be dismissed as such. Share your own experiences if appropriate. Talk about ways they may try to stop the perpetrators. Practice scenarios your child has experienced, going over exactly how they should handle them and when to seek an adult. When necessary, notify the school and allow them to assist to remedy the situation. If a child is exhibiting bullying behaviors, they should be taught more appropriate ways of dealing with others. The process will take time, so be patient.
For the child being bullied:
- Show your child how to stay calm and not react to the bully. Sometimes when the bully does not get a reaction, they will stop the teasing.
- Teach them to be assertive and answer with a comeback or just agree.
- Provide a warm and positive environment in your home...Provide an atmosphere where your child may ask questions.
- Open the lines of communication...Share with your child any experiences you have had or witnessed with bullying and teasing.
- Recognize that bullying is never acceptable and should not be overlooked.
- Be an advocate for an anti-bullying policy in your child’s school if you do not have one already.
- Talk with the school and the parents of the bully to formulate a plan to stop the behavior ... include the children in the planning.
For the bystander:
- Discuss complicity and talk about what should be done if your child witnesses bullying behaviors. Encourage that they should not be a passive bystander but seek assistance from an adult.
For the bully:
- Try to avoid physical or harsh discipline. Children exposed to hostile behavior usually have poor problem-solving skills.
- Be consistent with discipline.
- Teach your child empathy for others. Share how you feel when they exhibit bullying behaviors.
- When you feel you are unable to help your child change their behavior, seek the help of a child psychologist.
Remember, children are often reluctant to share that they are being teased. Know that every child will experience a few unhappy days. Parents must look for signs and cues that their child is being bullied. When “bad” days seem to be the majority and behaviors and attitudes change, you must be prepared to help your child open up and confront the bully. Reassure them that telling on others is sometimes difficult, but necessary. Not all bullying and teasing leads to a tragic end, but when dealing with our precious children there is no room for chance.
